During my last counselling session, I was asked: “What would your child self think of you?”
I felt a lump in my throat as I responded, “She’d be disappointed in me.”
But by the end of the session, I realised something. My expectations for myself have always been set too high, so of course I never met them.
My 8 year old self dreamt of being a pop star by twenty-one years old… Which is easier said and done.
Why didn’t this happen you may ask? Did I not put in the work? Did I not have the talent?
My answer to that is very simple... HIGH SCHOOL.
A knocked self-esteem, being bullied, lack of confidence, which resulted in me wanting to be invisible.
Then after that… I thought it was unrealistic to be a singer at all. So I was thought, “I’ll be an author instead.” BANG! BOOM! SLAM!
I developed Narcolepsy from fourteen years old and onwards. I would come home from school everyday and sleep until tea time. I felt as if I just about scraped through my GCSEs and college. When I was finally diagnosed at 17 years old, I was grieving for the person I once was.
After that? I went on to study creative writing at university, maybe I’d find the confidence to pursue my dreams then… Right?
When I wasn’t doing my coursework and in lectures, I was distracted with my ex, who caused my heart to go on a roller coaster of emotions, resulting in me losing respect for myself at that time.
The small shed of the ‘confidence’ I did have would push me to perform at open mic nights, but any praise I received, I only assumed that person was being polite.
So graduation came and went, ended up in a retail job for six months which resulted in daily anxiety. Eventually, I quit my job and began to slowly realise my friends from uni weren’t my friends at all.
When I was younger, I visualised I’d have my act together by time I was in my twenties. I’d look over at my peers and think ‘they make it look so easy.’
I felt like I disappointed not only myself, but my family too. At that point, I didn’t even think I was anyone worth loving, nevermind worthy of achieving what they wanted in life. Unaware I was self sabotaging myself with my overthinking and comparisons.
Fast-forward to present day, I’m getting over my insecurities from my past relationship and that alone feels like a revelation in itself.
I’m only beginning to feel at peace with still not knowing what I’m doing with my life. Especially with the current events going on, it puts everything into perspective.
As long as I’m being creative when I find the energy, without the worry of judgement or opinions, I am more likely to create something more authentic, that I can be proud of. I have to lower my expectations and make them a little more realistic.. I guess my child self will have to be a bit more patient.
Thank you for writing this Sarah!
I think everyone has this 'future' in the back of their mind; a point in time when they've finally 'sorted themselves out' or 'got their life together', but it just doesn't seem to work like that!
It's as if your child self is aiming for that hazy, 'perfect' world at the end of the path, until you realise that the path itself is more real and interesting, (and long!) than anything in the distance could ever be.
❤️
And your child-self would definitely be proud of you already!
Lovely alex x
Thank you for being vulnerable. I hope your confidence continues to grow as it should. You should be proud to be you because I bet your child self definitely is x
Thank you Sarah for this really honest and well written post. We place such pressures on ourselves. I have been surprised at how our cohort is very hard on themselves and I'm really wondering at the moment, why? Why, when you are all so young, and at the beginning of your journeys? I think it's a lot to do with the culture of continuously being 'seen' and watching others, something that I didn't (thankfully) have to contend with as a teenager.
Also the concept of 'getting my act together' what is that? the very notion is loaded, and again a pressure. I think I've faced the reality that, that may not ever happen for me, and maybe I don't want it to. Being an artist is often about a different way of life too, not necessarily following societal and cultural 'norms' like what we should be doing at a particular age, following a set trajectory. I would like to see role models who don't 'buy a house' 'have children' 'get married' 'get a secure job' not that any of these things are bad, but they are what's 'expected' and there are other paths.
You can still be a singer. You could become a singer at 50 years old if you like. We don't have to lower our expectations, but we have to change what the idea of 'success' means. Yes we have to earn money to survive, but we don't have to be famous to have had success. Success could be you writing a song and feeling good about it. It's true that time wasted on what other people think is so debilitating, it's human to care about what people think, but again this needs to be in perspective so it doesn't block you. I agree that you are more likely to find something authentic and I can't wait to see or hear it, or not..... because actually it doesn't matter what I think . 😊