Let me ask you something, if someone said the words “One day it will happen for you. Probably when you least expect it.” Would you assume they were speaking to an out-of-relationship woman on the brink of giving up and taking a vow of eternal spinsterhood or an out-of-work actor on the brink of giving up and taking a job in marketing? Answer, it’s both, and the person they’re speaking to is me.
I have lived my entire adult life wishing on the ‘one day’ star, and I think I speak for single women and actors the world over when I say, if you in your happy relationship or thriving career choose to utter that sentence to us, we are thinking of all the ways in which we could successfully kill you and get away with it as soon as the words leave your lips. Heads up, if it’s me, you’ll probably be poisoned, I’m far too squeamish for stabbing and I didn’t put myself through A level chemistry for nothing.
Frankly, after my last almost-relationship got cast aside because the guy I was seeing booked an acting job in Nepal (I wasn’t aware that they took productions of ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ to the Himalayas, but whatever) it hit me. The rules of the acting industry and the dating world go together hand in hand, and I was incredibly unlucky to have wound up at the mercy of them both.
Think of it like this; every first date is an audition, that much is obvious, which basically makes Spotlight a glorified dating app. The masses flock to it every day to mindlessly scroll for something that suits their ‘type’, checking the necessary factors like age range, location, special skills and they send out likes and submissions without abandon, all the while completely accepting the norm that they may never hear anything back in response. All that time and effort just sent into the void, day in, day out. Thankfully, with acting I’m one of the fortunate ones who has an agent to endure that torture on my behalf, although, and I mean this with complete sincerity, if anyone would like to be my dating agent I will more than happily give you 10% of the affection I receive should I find myself in a supportive relationship as a result of our professional partnership.
Then it happens, a match, an audition request. You prepare yourself, make sure you look the part, ask your friends for advice on what choices will be most effective, do dedicated research that borders on the insane so that you know exactly who’ll be sitting on the other side of that table, remind yourself that this is just as much about you seeing if they’re right for you as it is about whether you’re right for them and all you have to do is be your talented, dazzling self and off you go to the agreed upon location. The only real difference between these two scenarios is I am always purposefully a few minutes late to a date, and always accidentally a few hours early to an audition.
From this point, we can really take the simile in any direction, you’re not right for them, no recall, they’re not right for you, no second date. Or you took direction excellently and presented them with a well-informed portrayal of the character, they’ll see you for a second audition. They seem very nice, and they didn’t spend the whole night saying, “you’re actually really funny”, (as if you being a woman and being able to make them laugh is the most shocking thing to have happened since Will Smith hit Chris Rock’s eye like a big pizza pie) you’ll see them for a second date. After everyone’s got to know each other accordingly and an appropriate number of rounds have passed, you get to the final test of whether this is going to be a match made in heaven or not. The chemistry read. I think you can see where I’m going with this. On paper, you’ve nailed it, but now we need to see if sparks really fly. You can be perfect for the role, but if there’s no chemistry, there’s no future. In essence, a chem read is all about two consenting adults being caught in the moment and seeing how well you each respond to what the other offers. It might be so natural that it feels like you’ve known each other for years, they might throw things out there that you’ve never done before, but you’re happy to experiment. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s awkward, clunky and, frustratingly, you don’t always get to finish. Because the director stops you when they’ve run out of time, get your mind out of the gutter. I’d also like to take this moment to say that I personally do try not to do a chemistry read on the first audition but sometimes I’m quite drunk and it’s been a while since I’ve last done one so I think “eh, what the hell".
Before you know it, you’ve dedicated weeks of your life to this pursuit and then, worst case scenario, one of two things happens. A) you never hear back, you rush to your phone every time it buzzes to see if it’s them for about a week before you give up hope altogether or B) they do contact you, only to tell you that although they appreciated the effort you went to, they’ve gone with someone else, but they will keep you in mind if they have any other opportunities in the future. When scenario B happens, it’s soul crushing and our response is always the same, wait a bit for the project to really get going and then have a good old Instagram stalk to see who it was that beat you to the punch, wonder where on earth you went wrong and shake your fist at the universe for putting you through all that just to drop you back off at square one.
But here’s the bit of hope, you’re not back at square one. Not really. Unless you’re doing very badly in a game of snakes of ladders, in which case you probably are “back at square one” but if you’ve been rejected for a part, gotten dumped and lost a game of snakes and ladders all on the same day you may as well just accept that you’re at rock bottom and therefore the only way is up anyway.
Lizzie is an actor and writer currently on our Wicked Women Creative Development Course
My point is, even though after all that your job or relationship status might have stayed the same, you have changed, whether you can see it or not. Albeit against your will, you’ve learned what to do, or not to do if you find yourself in a similar situation again, you’ve probably got some great stories to tell your friends (who, if they’re good ones like mine, remain a constant joy throughout all of this nonsense) and if your experience was really bad, there’s probably a good chance you could write a play about it and cast yourself as the lead role and at least that’s one problem solved. I know firsthand that when you’ve been on that mental roller coaster ride only to get off at the exact same place you got on, whether it’s in the name of getting a part or a partner, it feels disappointing, and it makes you wonder if there’s point going through all the ups and downs again, but you might be forgetting one crucial thing about roller coasters; the ride is the whole bloody point. And, now this is rare, but “one day it will happen for you, probably when you least expect it”, the rollercoaster will get stuck. And you’ll panic before you realise, you’re stuck right at the top, and while that sounds absolutely terrifying, I bet the view is fucking sick.